You don’t have a communication problem. You have a nervous system problem.

It starts small.

A comment.

A tone.

Something that feels… off.

And suddenly you’re in it again…the same fight, the same feeling, the same ending.

You are left wondering, “How did we get here again?”

The Reframe

Most couples think they have a communication problem. But what they actually have is a regulation problem that shows up through communication. Once you have become dysregulated, then access to the part of yourself that can stay calm and objective is out the window.

You’ve probably heard it before, but it’s so true…

You don’t need better words.
You need a nervous system that can stay in the conversation. Especially when it gets emotionally intense.

What High-Conflict Looks Like

High conflict might look a little different for every person but generally some or all of these patterns start to consistently present themselves.

• Conversations escalate quickly

• One person pushes, the other shuts down

• You leave feeling misunderstood (again)

• The same fights keep happening

• It feels like you’re speaking different languages

Does this sound familiar to you, then keep reading to figure out what skills you can learn about to incorporate into your next conflict.

The 10 Skills

1. Regulate Before You Respond

If you’re flooded, you’re not communicating. You’re simply reacting to the moment and probably coming from a very defensive position. This is one of the hardest skills to master because you have to have enough self-awareness to recognize when you’re flooded and then speak up for what you need in that moment. For many people, we could stop right here for a while in order to learn the art of regulating - not an easy task sometimes.

Instead of responding immediately and reactively
Try: “I want to keep talking, but I need a minute to settle.”

2. Slowing the Conversation Down

Fast = reactive.

Slow = intentional.

This builds off of skill 1 and can be incredibly difficult to access in the middle of a heated discussion but it’s a skill that builds relational trust. It’s a skill that builds nervous system safety.

Try: shorter sentences, pauses, actual turns

3. Naming Your Emotions

One response I’ve noticed in my office is a certain amount of shame and/or embarrassment when a client can’t name their emotion. When I’ve gently probed deeper, I get the sense that they feel embarrassment that they do not know how to name their emotions. If this is you, I promise you are not alone. Naming your emotions is a skill that many adults were never taught.

Instead of: “I don’t know, I’m fine”
Try: “I think I’m feeling hurt and I don’t fully understand why”

4. Listening Without Defensiveness

Listening is about receiving, not correcting. Listening to learn instead of responding. There’s a difference between listening and hearing. When you are just hearing, you are likely already thinking about how you’re going to defend yourself and not truly taking in what that person is saying at the moment.

Try:
“Let me make sure I understand you first…”

5. Taking Ownership

Ownership creates safety. Ownership lets your partner know that you’re not going to simply put all the work on them. Ownership creates intimacy. When you are a safe partner, then you will slowly get deeper access to your partner and create a deeper connection.

Instead of: “You made me…”
Try: “I notice I got reactive there”

6. Interrupting the Pattern

Every couple has a loop. Dr. Sue Johnson coined this loop, the negative cycle which refers to a recurring pattern of interactions that leads to emotional distress and disconnection in relationships. Once you have an understanding of the pattern that you and your partner get into, then you can begin to recognize it sooner and change the pattern.

Try:
“This feels like the part where I push, and you shut down”

“The cycle is the bad guy. Neither partner is the bad guy.” — Dr. Sue Johnson

7. Staying on One Topic

Bringing everything in = overwhelm. This can be hard to do if resentment has set it or if the negative cycle is coming out almost daily. Sometimes couples have waited so long to reach out for help that they have a laundry list of complaints and frustrations, and while they may be valid, you’ll get a whole lot further if you can take it one issue at a time.

Try:
“Let’s just stay with this one thing for now”

8. Perspective-Taking

Assume meaning before assuming malice. This also assumes that contempt has not settled in the relationship because then it can be very hard to assume the best in your partner. Have you ever heard of negative sentiment override? Try to keep perspective-taking in mind and asking your partner for clarification before you assume the worst.

Try:
“Help me understand what this was like for you”

9. Repair Attempts

Small moments shift everything. It’s rarely the big things that shift a relationship back towards positive. It’s the small, every day, moment to moment interactions that begin to repair the relationship. As a result, this is typically where trust is rebuilt.

Examples:

• “Wait, can we restart?”

• “I don’t like how I just said that”

10. Becoming a Team

The shift from adversaries → partners. This might be a long, slow road depending on how baked in your negative cycles have become, but it IS possible to shift things when you’re willing to work on it TOGETHER. This is for another post, but one person cannot fix a relationship, nor should they have to.

Try:
“How do we solve this together?”

Why This Is So Hard

I want to pause and normalize that these skills don’t come naturally when you’re triggered. Interestingly, they actually go against what your body wants to do in the moment because…

• Your brain is scanning for threat

• Your body is preparing to protect

• Connection is no longer the priority—survival is

So, it’s not that you don’t know what to do. It’s that your system hasn’t learned how to access it at a moment when it is triggered.

What Actually Changes Things

First, these are skills that you can practice outside of therapy and regardless of whether your partner has buy-in or not (this comes up all the time in therapy - one partner is willing to put in the work and the other is not). You can still learn to regulate in conflict which is a skill that will support you in every relationship structure.

• Practicing outside of conflict

• Naming patterns earlier

• Slowing things down before escalation

• Getting support when needed

One Final Thought

The goal isn’t to stop fighting. That’s not realistic and it’s not even the healthier option. It’s to fight in a way that doesn’t break your connection. Conflict doesn’t have to mean disconnection. It can become a place where you learn how to stay and that it’s safe to stay.